The Binding of Isaac: Do I Really Exist?
by VanillaFireflies
Summary: Isaac always thought he was pure and never liked the idea of sin. After God suddenly requests his mother to make the ultimate sacrifice, and that her own son shall be this sacrifice, Isaac starts to wonder if it really is for a good purpose and begins to question his existence. Is he really as much of a sinner as he thinks he is?


I never knew my own mother would suddenly become a completely different person in such a short matter of time.

I always thought I was a good person my whole life, but I never knew how wrong I was until the day she made me believe otherwise.

My mother always told me that anyone would be more than grateful if they had me as their son. She always told me how much she loved me and I always promised her that I would never do anything bad. I never wanted to upset or hurt her.

My mother is a very religious woman. She took her Christian views very seriously and prayed twice a day. She made sure that I was taking it seriously too, so we often would pray together. I almost felt as if she were trying to force her religious views on me, but now I don't seem to mind anymore because I've learned to accept it and love my God for what he has done for us. But now I'm afraid that every little thing I do is considered a sin. Mother taught me all there is to know about sins.

I usually kept to myself. I often stayed in the desolate area I called my room and played with my toys or drew pictures whenever I could. I was never very social because nobody at my school wanted to talk to me. I never cared or understood why though, I enjoy being alone anyway. I always had a dream of becoming a famous artist when I grew up, but somehow I felt like my art just wasn't good enough for the world to see yet. I'm only nine years old, so I obviously don't have much skill. But like they say, practice makes perfect.

My mother and I, we were as happy as could be. To me, we were still the perfect family even though my father is no longer around anymore. He still drops by to visit me every once in awhile, and I still get to spend every other weekend with him. I do miss having him around, but at least I still get to see him whenever I wanted. I just never understood why he left…

But the day he left wasn't the only day that I thought was the worst of my life. It was the day my mother made me believe that I truly was a sinner... I remember sitting in the living room with her, remaining on the floor and messing around with my toys while she sat on the couch watching Christian broadcasts on our television as usual. Suddenly, a deep booming voice came to her from out of the blue:

"Mary," It called out to my mother, "your son Isaac has become corrupted by sin. He needs to be saved." I soon realized that it was the voice of God Himself and that He was talking about me. I was corrupted by sin? How was that possible?

"I will do my best to save him, my Lord..." Mother quickly replied as she removed all that was apparently evil from my hands. My toys, my crayons and pencils, even my own clothing were snatched from me right in front of my very eyes. She also shaved my entire head, ridding it of all the blonde curly locks that stuck to my now bald scalp like glue. But that wasn't enough for either of them. I didn't understand and was too afraid to ask, so I stayed as silent as a mouse. What was happening? The voice of the Lord erupted in mother's ears once more:

"You have done as I've asked, but your son's soul is still corrupt. He needs to be cut off from all that is evil and confess his sins." He roared to her.

"I will follow your instructions, Lord. I have faith in thee." Mother said in a calm tone of voice, smiling brightly at the ceiling. I became confused as she brought me to my room and locked me away for a while. She told me I was to stay in here, locked away from all the evil that lurked within the outside world. I was even more confused. What did I do wrong to deserve this?

That's when I knew something terrible was about to happen. I watched from the tiny crack in my bedroom door and listened in on their conversation while the fear pounded in my frozen heart:

"Because I still question your devotion to me, in order to prove your faith, I will ask one more thing of you." He pleaded.

"Yes Lord, anything!" Mother used her eager voice, as if impatient. She seemed very excited for what He had to tell her.

"To prove your love and devotion to me, I require a sacrifice." He paused briefly, "Your son Isaac will be this sacrifice." He finished dramatically. There was an eerie silence.

When I heard my name, my heart dropped to my stomach. I gulped, shaking violently. I still continued to eavesdrop:

The ice had broken, "Go into his room and end his life as an offering to me to prove you love me above all else..." Mother's eyes widened at this, but she accepted the challenge as she crept into the kitchen and grabbed an unusually large knife from the holder. I could only tremble with a fear so horrifying I was sure my own heart was going to give out at any moment. Mother would never go this far to please her Lord, would she? I tried my best as I scrambled around my room, desperately looking for a place to hide. But to no avail, I was out of luck, for she had boarded up the windows and removed anything I could cram my tiny self into. When she burst through the door, my insides burst as well. I panicked. What was I going to do now!?

That's when I noticed my rug and the trap door that led to the basement hidden underneath it. Mother herself never knew about it, but thankfully I did. I felt a bit of hope flowing back into me once I flung open the door without hesitation, just as she came through with a deranged look on her face that even I couldn't stand laying my eyes upon. Gripping onto the knife's handle, she slowly raised it above her head, ready to strike me with it. I smiled smugly at her as I threw myself down into the unknown depths below. Hopefully she would never be able to find me down here...

As I wandered through the surprisingly large basement, I felt my eyes begin to well up with tears. It was cold and very smelly down here, similar to how rotting fish and stool would smell like. I couldn't put up with these conditions any longer. After I found a hidden room as far away from the trap door as possible, I sat myself down in the corner and thought for a bit while the tears continued to rush down my pale, pink face. Why would God choose _now_ to tell mother these strange things? Why was _I_ to be the sacrifice? As I wiped my face and felt my big eyes widen, that's when it finally came to me…

I remembered all those times I had done something wrong and unforgivable and began to cry again. I used to have a younger sister named Magdalene. Mother had always wanted a little girl, and it looked to me as if she loved her more than she did me because of that. I quickly grew jealous and greedy for my mother's extra love and attention, and every night before I went to bed, I would pray for my sister's death. A few months later, my wishes had come true. Magdalene had suddenly died of cancer at 5 years old. Seeing how devastated my mother was for days, it hurt me to see her so heartbroken and I felt a little bad. I never knew how jealous I was able to become. I just wanted more of my mother's attention and that was all. But now that my sister is gone forever, I've been getting all the love and affection in the world from my mother every single day. It feels wonderful, but now I feel like I don't deserve any of it. I still feel horrible about it because all I want is my sister back. I never meant for it to be this way.

Then there was the time I had looked into the Satanism religion. I couldn't believe that this was even considered a religion because I was taught my whole life that the Devil was very bad and that this religion was for bad people who only wanted to corrupt themselves. But I was curious and wanted to learn a little bit about it. So, I spent the past few weeks reading about it online and tried searching for books about it at my local library in secret. My mother told me that it was a sin to worship any other god other than your own, and that was Jesus Christ. That rule was even stated in the Bible. _It's only one time. I hope you can forgive me…_ I would tell Him in my head. I didn't worship the Devil, though. I only wanted to learn about him. Was that so bad?

Sometimes, when my mother was in a different room, I would go into the bathroom and try on some of her makeup. She said that makeup was also a sin, so she never wore it and was planning on getting rid of what she had left, which wasn't much. She always caught me in the act and I always got into serious trouble for it. "Isaac!" She would angrily shout at me, "you know you're not allowed to touch mommy's things! Makeup is a sin! Take it off immediately and go straight to your room, young man!"

I didn't know what sinning really was until I learned about all the wrong things I was doing. All these bad things I was doing were sins. I've done plenty of other things in my life that were wrong, and those experiences have made me think different of myself. I realized that I was a child who was perceived as good when I was actually very, _very_ bad.

I realized…

That I was nothing but a little _devil_ … A sinner trapped in his own shell of evil, never to escape. Corrupted and broken, nonexistent in this evil-ridden world. I really _am_ a sinner, and that was that.

I needed to be set free. But would He ever forgive me? Was I not God's perfect child anymore? Was I _ever_ His perfect child?

 _Nonexistent_ … The word rang in my head like church bells on Sunday. My mother and I both believed that sinners should not be allowed to exist. I know it sounds cruel, but that was what her parents taught her to believe when she was growing up, and it's how she raised me to believe when teaching me about Christianity. It all made sense now. The fact that God told her to sacrifice me to Him, the fact that what I was doing was wrong and sinful, and the fact that the more I thought about these things, the more I began to realize that mother sent me because…

I simply didn't exist...

I began to lose faith in everything I once knew. I don't want to sin anymore, I want to be good for the rest of my life and go to Heaven when I die. While I was angry at my mother for trying to hurt me because a voice told her to, I was also angry at myself because I had lied to her. What made matters worse was that she caught me doing bad things, and yet I still continued to do them. I promised her I would never do anything bad, and I broke that promise countless times already. I hurt my own mother.

That is a sin.

 _Lying_ is a sin.

After a few days of wandering the basement alone, I wondered why mother hasn't come down to find me, let alone why I couldn't seem to get myself out of here. I should've just broken the windows and ran away as far as my short legs could carry me... I scoffed with utter disgust. People are willing to do anything for their religion...

Suddenly I heard the sound of footsteps trailing behind me. They almost sounded like tall high heels trudging against cold concrete. I stopped dead in my tracks, wondering who could possibly be down here with me at this hour. I was certainly too afraid to turn around, but my brain eventually forced me to spin my body in a quick circle and immediately my black eyes locked with my mother's darker, jet-black ones. I wasn't surprised, but scared and hysterical instead. I tried to speak out to her and tell her that I was sorry for everything I had done in my past, but my mouth remained frozen shut. I wanted to run up to her and hug her, but my body remained still like a brick wall. I was paralyzed with fear.

As she slowly cornered me, I knew I had no other choice but to stay where I was because if I tried to run, I would probably die quicker in her hands. I sighed as I let myself accept my fate and let her come at me. She began talking to Him again, "I will do as I'm told, my Lord! I love you above all else!" She cried out as she crept closer to me, closer to her only son. I gave her a pleading look, a look that nobody could refuse, not even she herself. She ignored this and, of course, refused it. If she loses me, she would lose all her children, and there would be no way of getting us back. What ever happened to being "the only child she could ever want in this world"? She always made sure to keep me out of harm's way and made sure that I was protected at all times. I guess that all turned to dust now.

My body quickly lost all sense of emotion for a second when God decided to intervene. I didn't notice the shelf above our heads with old items stacked on top of it, and I didn't bother to wonder why it was there in the first place. An old Holy Bible threw itself down and knocked mother out cold. I felt myself erupt with sudden joy and confusion. I looked up to the ceiling and asked Him, "why? Why did you stop her? Aren't I a sinner? Don't I need to be erased from existence?"

No response. Was this all just a test so she could prove her faith towards Him? I decided that now was the the perfect time to confess and cleanse myself. I got on my knees and began to pray for forgiveness over and over again, hoping He would accept and make me whole again.

" _Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned._

 _Come into my life and cleanse me of my unbelief._

 _I believe in You and in salvation through the blood of Jesus._

 _I turn from sin and and trust in Jesus alone as my Savior._

 _In Jesus name I pray…_

 _Amen…_ "

My mother began to awaken after several hours of lying unconscious on the ground. Once she looked into my eyes, she became hysterical and cried a river of tears. She threw me into her arms and told me it was okay to commit sin because we just can't help ourselves, even when we don't realize we have sinned. We're not perfect. I was satisfied after I knew everything was okay again. I felt the warm joy flow back into me when I knew God had finally forgiven me for all my wrong doing. I was no longer a devil, but an angel who had been finally set free from all that was evil.

I forgave mother for what she had tried to do because she knew it was all just a test as well and that she would never put me in harm's way ever again. "I'm sorry I've lied to you and hurt you, mommy." I said to her. She kissed my forehead and gently stroked my cheeks with the back of her silky smooth hand, speaking in that same motherly tone I had always loved hearing from her, "I'm sorry I tried to hurt _you_ , Isaac. Harming your child is a sin, and never again will you ever be mistreated. Promise me you'll try to be good?"

"I promise."

I kept that promise for the rest of my life. My mother and I worked even harder to love and spend time with our God each and every day. I felt happier than I've ever been. If I felt like I was doing something wrong, I immediately prayed to Him and asked for forgiveness then went to confess and apologize to my mother, which left me with only good and pure feelings for the rest of the day. She gave me my clothes, toys, crayons and pencils back and I resumed reaching my goals as an artist while letting all my blonde hair grow back to its desired curly length. With every move I made, I felt His eyes on me, watching over everything I did. I smiled to myself.

I guess I do exist after all.


End file.
